The countdown officially begins...

...yesterday, September 1. So today marks 29 days until I'm outta here. I wish October 1 would just hurry up and present itself.

I haven't made much progress on my to do list, but have been keeping up with the self-reflection portion of this big change. I want to follow up on my last post.

I had written last about beginning to feel rather indifferent to the goings on in my office. I'd like to revise that statement a little. I tend to take everything I do at work seriously, even though I'm just a bottom-of-the-barrel admin. But I work in the public sector; not only is my salary paid by tax dollars, but I'm also responsible for the expenditure of public dollars. I think that it's these ethical implications of my job that really do me in sometimes. I tend to get really caught up in politics. That and I can't STAND the bureaucratic process - it is so counterproductive that it makes me nauseous sometimes. In any case, all of that mixed up with being treated unfairly by people with more power than I have, and dealing with the internal politics of working an environment which places less value on diversity than I feel it should, has really built up a sour taste in my mouth over the course of my little career in public service.

BUT. And it's a big one.

First of all, I won't deny that working in public service has been good to me, too. For one thing, the student employment mechanisms in place put me through university and helped me afford to get my tuition paid, work only part time for most of it with a full-time job every summer, and develop some really important job skills that not everyone has the opportunity to develop while they're still in university. I feel like I did have a leg up when I graduated. I'm a huge advocate of student employment in the public service and think that there are really great programs available. I'm just not suited to work in public service.

More importantly, however, this change is such a good thing for me. In only a month, I feel like I've already moved into a much healthier place physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I've lost a bit of weight (due, in truth, to stress, but it feels good nonetheless). I've been meditating lately on integrity, and on trying to be more gracious to those around me during my last few weeks both at work and in Manitoba. And I'm happy. Genuinely, just generally happy. Excited to learn. I want to feel this way in every little division of my life; I don't want to leave a place I've worked for four years with feelings of resentment or anger. So I'm just not going to give all of these things that frustrate or bother me any more of my energy. Goodness knows I need it. I'm moving forward feeling as though I'm finishing off one chapter and starting another (cliché! I'm full of them right now), not walking away in anger.

It's all happening.