I only have seventeen days to go. Moving anxiety has descended. I am experiencing the worst breakout in the history of acne at the moment. Naturally, stress is the active ingredient in the chaos that is my face right now. And naturally, this is stressing me the eff out. What a vicious cycle.
The anxiety is not in any way about the actual move. It's about how the hell I'm going to get rid of all of my shit in seventeen days. Clothes, linens, etc. for donation are sorted and need to be picked up. I really thought that that was going to be one of the biggest challenges so I tackled that part first. Hah. I'm funny. As in stupid. Books, furniture, kitchen stuff, crafting/jewellery supplies, jewellery itself, all kinds of stupid accessories, pictures, wall hangings... WHERE DID ALL OF THIS SHIT COME FROM??? DIDN'T I JUST MOVE SIX MONTHS AGO??? Ugh. Every time I look around the disorganization station that is my living space I develop temporary narcolepsy. And then I find an excuse to go out and not deal with it.
One major accomplishment: I'm down to just 34 pairs of shoes. This is unheard of. The most ironic thing about the shoe situation is that the pair of shoes that started it all (still among my top five favourite pairs of shoes) is my very first pair of black pumps. I bought them the one night that I've been to Toronto. Hah.
Anyhow, the bigger issue for me right now is that I still haven't found a home for Minou. I'm really worried. The Humane Society is not an option. I've got her on waiting lists for all of the no-kill shelters in the city who would take her, but this will take months and I don't have anyone to hold on to her until such a time as a spot opens up for her in a shelter. The past three mornings in a row I've stayed in bed and snuggled with her for almost an hour. THIS SUCKS. I can't think of anything that better articulates the way I'm feeling than that. I really don't think I ever want to own another pet. This is so hard. After the heartache of having to put Midnight, a cat I had had for nearly 21 years, down this past May, and now not being able to keep Minou any longer, I'm feeling a tad emotionally drained in the pet department.
So much to do. This is feeling incredibly surreal. I really am leaving Winnipeg. FINALLY. I've been wanting to get out for what seems like such a long time but I suppose that things like this never really do feel or unfold the way we imagine they might.
I remembered today that I blogged seventeen days before I left Congo. Pulled up the post and read it over. I was in such a tumultuous emotional state at that point. I think I was downplaying exactly how little I wanted to return to Canada. But interestingly enough, I do make reference to the fact that nothing ever happens in Winnipeg in this post. Consider the context in which I'm making this statement: I have just spent two and a half months in a country that may as well be located in another universe in terms of how similar it is to my home country. I have had my life touched by the deepest desparity and the brightest hope I have (n)ever even fathomed existed in this world. A country that's been in a perpetual state of unrest and war for 15 years at this point, since the Rwandan genocide. So at that particular moment in my life, Winnipeg was a place where nothing ever happened. What's changed for me though is that I've grown quite fond of Winnipeg over the past year. It's a really neat little city. I've taken to carrying my camera around with me everywhere and taking pictures of my favourite places. (I'm going to have to get down to the 7/16 at Sargent and Spence over the next few days. LMAO.)
So I'm heading off into the great unknown in just seventeen days. Good grief that happened fast.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
FUNemployment, here I come.
Today is my last day of work. Can anyone say yahoo?
Sigh. I am so relieved to be leaving this place and closing this chapter. I may be embarking on another uphill battle, but at least this one is over. I'm not really sure at this point whether I won, or 'they' did... or whether we both did... or both lost... or whether, metaphorically speaking, of course, these are win-lose circumstances at all. I suppose that being here has been more of an internal struggle than a battle, but I can vividly recall numerous times when I felt as though I was fighting my superiors and the institution itself. En tous cas, after seven years, I have just never found my niche here. It's time to move forward, and forward I move.
22 days from now I will be in Toronto. Like, whoa (Black Rob, anyone?). The suspense is killing me.
Sigh. I am so relieved to be leaving this place and closing this chapter. I may be embarking on another uphill battle, but at least this one is over. I'm not really sure at this point whether I won, or 'they' did... or whether we both did... or both lost... or whether, metaphorically speaking, of course, these are win-lose circumstances at all. I suppose that being here has been more of an internal struggle than a battle, but I can vividly recall numerous times when I felt as though I was fighting my superiors and the institution itself. En tous cas, after seven years, I have just never found my niche here. It's time to move forward, and forward I move.
22 days from now I will be in Toronto. Like, whoa (Black Rob, anyone?). The suspense is killing me.
Friday, September 2, 2011
The countdown officially begins...
...yesterday, September 1. So today marks 29 days until I'm outta here. I wish October 1 would just hurry up and present itself.
I haven't made much progress on my to do list, but have been keeping up with the self-reflection portion of this big change. I want to follow up on my last post.
I had written last about beginning to feel rather indifferent to the goings on in my office. I'd like to revise that statement a little. I tend to take everything I do at work seriously, even though I'm just a bottom-of-the-barrel admin. But I work in the public sector; not only is my salary paid by tax dollars, but I'm also responsible for the expenditure of public dollars. I think that it's these ethical implications of my job that really do me in sometimes. I tend to get really caught up in politics. That and I can't STAND the bureaucratic process - it is so counterproductive that it makes me nauseous sometimes. In any case, all of that mixed up with being treated unfairly by people with more power than I have, and dealing with the internal politics of working an environment which places less value on diversity than I feel it should, has really built up a sour taste in my mouth over the course of my little career in public service.
BUT. And it's a big one.
First of all, I won't deny that working in public service has been good to me, too. For one thing, the student employment mechanisms in place put me through university and helped me afford to get my tuition paid, work only part time for most of it with a full-time job every summer, and develop some really important job skills that not everyone has the opportunity to develop while they're still in university. I feel like I did have a leg up when I graduated. I'm a huge advocate of student employment in the public service and think that there are really great programs available. I'm just not suited to work in public service.
More importantly, however, this change is such a good thing for me. In only a month, I feel like I've already moved into a much healthier place physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I've lost a bit of weight (due, in truth, to stress, but it feels good nonetheless). I've been meditating lately on integrity, and on trying to be more gracious to those around me during my last few weeks both at work and in Manitoba. And I'm happy. Genuinely, just generally happy. Excited to learn. I want to feel this way in every little division of my life; I don't want to leave a place I've worked for four years with feelings of resentment or anger. So I'm just not going to give all of these things that frustrate or bother me any more of my energy. Goodness knows I need it. I'm moving forward feeling as though I'm finishing off one chapter and starting another (cliché! I'm full of them right now), not walking away in anger.
It's all happening.
I haven't made much progress on my to do list, but have been keeping up with the self-reflection portion of this big change. I want to follow up on my last post.
I had written last about beginning to feel rather indifferent to the goings on in my office. I'd like to revise that statement a little. I tend to take everything I do at work seriously, even though I'm just a bottom-of-the-barrel admin. But I work in the public sector; not only is my salary paid by tax dollars, but I'm also responsible for the expenditure of public dollars. I think that it's these ethical implications of my job that really do me in sometimes. I tend to get really caught up in politics. That and I can't STAND the bureaucratic process - it is so counterproductive that it makes me nauseous sometimes. In any case, all of that mixed up with being treated unfairly by people with more power than I have, and dealing with the internal politics of working an environment which places less value on diversity than I feel it should, has really built up a sour taste in my mouth over the course of my little career in public service.
BUT. And it's a big one.
First of all, I won't deny that working in public service has been good to me, too. For one thing, the student employment mechanisms in place put me through university and helped me afford to get my tuition paid, work only part time for most of it with a full-time job every summer, and develop some really important job skills that not everyone has the opportunity to develop while they're still in university. I feel like I did have a leg up when I graduated. I'm a huge advocate of student employment in the public service and think that there are really great programs available. I'm just not suited to work in public service.
More importantly, however, this change is such a good thing for me. In only a month, I feel like I've already moved into a much healthier place physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I've lost a bit of weight (due, in truth, to stress, but it feels good nonetheless). I've been meditating lately on integrity, and on trying to be more gracious to those around me during my last few weeks both at work and in Manitoba. And I'm happy. Genuinely, just generally happy. Excited to learn. I want to feel this way in every little division of my life; I don't want to leave a place I've worked for four years with feelings of resentment or anger. So I'm just not going to give all of these things that frustrate or bother me any more of my energy. Goodness knows I need it. I'm moving forward feeling as though I'm finishing off one chapter and starting another (cliché! I'm full of them right now), not walking away in anger.
It's all happening.
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